I Love China

Miyabi – too nice for libidinous laowais

My friend Miyabi was visiting from Tokyo so I was showing her around last weekend.  We were standing by the bar at Lounge 18 in mid conversation when I western guy walked by, tapped her on the shoulder and said “come with me”.

We were both a bit shocked.  I wasn’t sure if he knew her and she was wondering if he was a friend of mine, so she smiled politely at first and then we carried on talking.  He wouldn’t take no for an answer and added “you can take your friend with you, let’s go”.

After further polite rejections he seemed to get a bit agitated by our lack of enthusiasm for his invitation and then proudly announced “it’s okay, I’m laowai” or something equally ridiculous.  It was as if being a laowai meant we should instantly abandon our boring conversation and follow him to the fun.

Miyabi’s replied “we’re all laowai actually”, which of course confused him somewhat.  He continued to push till eventually my mild mannered gentle Japanese friend held up a hand together with a very firm “NO!”.  He finally got the message and walked off, leaving me a bit embarrassed for taking her there in the first place as well as for not stepping in sooner to get rid of the guy.

Incidently, the last time I took some out of town Canadian visitors to Lounge 18, I had to leave them suddenly and while in the elevator, a laowai invited them to have sex at his place.  So I guess this isn’t a coincidence!

PS – I am not sure what that literary technique is where you use several words that begin with the same letter of the alphabet, but that’s what I was aiming for in the post title!

An excellent parody by Andy Best (who’s previously commented on this very blog for the very first time last week) of the whole Sherpa’s scandal involving an American expat complaining about not getting his free burger (if you haven’t already listen to this, do it now) from the Blue Frog.

Andy, is that a tracksuit top you’re wearing?  Are you trying to cling on to your youth like all of us sad pathetic over 30s?

I should add that I am a very frequent customer of Sherpa’s and find their service to be among the best and most efficient I’ve encountered in Shanghai.  Keep up the good work girls!

PS The loser laowai tag is aimed at the American douchebag on the audio tape, NOT Mr Best!

Regular readers will know I have a pet hate for what I call “loser laowai”. Foreigners who back home are total losers with no friends who come here and are inexplicably adored by the locals, who think they are incredibly amusing, handsome and clever.

Yesterday I was enjoying a pasta lunch at a cafe by my office. Next to me there was a guy trying a little too hard to impress his waiter.

“Oh I know lots of models, let’s go out some time and I will introduce you to them”.

If you need a visual image, he was holding a huge unlit cigar in his hand (it was about 9 inches long) and had been holding it for about 20 minutes, presumably because he thought it made him look cool and different.

“If we go out, you can stay over at my place because I have 2 bedrooms, and it’s my treat”.

I was starting to wonder if he was trying to pick up his waiter now. Either that or he was just so desperate to make new friends he had to bribe them to go out with him.

“Oh, I’m still a bit tired because I’m American and I just got back from America yesterday” he continued, in an attempt to impress his waiter further in his thick Arabic accent, still holding the unlit cigar.

He then went on to explain how he was considering two different jobs, both teaching English (of course, I knew it!).

Finally he lit the cigar and started puffing away, while the two western women sitting close by looked over, horrified. They quickly got up and left, one of them at least 5 months pregnant. I’ll be honest, I’ve been known to have the odd cigar from time to time, but that thing was far too long for an afternoon lunchtime smoke (compensating for something are we?), and should never have been lit in front of a pregnant woman.

Mate, if you’re reading this, you’re what we in England call a TWAT. But if you could email me your phone number that’d be great because my friend is desperately looking to hire a few more English teachers and you fit the profile perfectly.