I Love China

View from my aunt’s apartment in Hong Kong’s very exclusive mid-levels district.

So I’m back from my 5 day trip to Hong Kong for a family friend’s wedding. The trip itself was smooth and uneventful, except for the slightly mad lesbian tomboy that was sat next to me on the flight back (why, despite flying frequently, do I NEVER get a hot young thing sitting next to me on the flight?). When the flight attendant came round giving out the immigration landing cards, she wasn’t paying attention so she didn’t get one. Then in a mild state of panic, she raised her hand and asked for one. As soon as she got the landing card, she looked at it, then hit herself on the head 3 times before screwing up the card and throwing it away. I guess she suddenly realised she didn’t need one after all.

Every time I go to HK, I’m reminded of some of the very big differences between HK and mainland China. In the elevator at Times Square in HK, as I was walking in, the girl inside had her hand on one of the buttons. I was shocked to see it was the “door open” button which she kept pressed until everyone was safely inside the elevator. By contrast, EVERYDAY in my office building, there’ll be someone in the elevator with his or her finger pressing the DOOR CLOSE button while people are still trying to get in, because they’re in so much of a hurry. I’ve said it before, but people should not be allowed a door close button if they can’t be trusted to use it properly. In England, lifts do not have a door close button at all.

WoAi and Kelvin, the groom. He lived opposite our house when I was growing up in London.

The wedding was a very pleasant affair, mostly attended by Chinese Brits like myself. It was a little odd being at a wedding in HK and listening to grooms, brides, best men and matrons of honour all doing speeches sounding like they’d all come from Croydon (probably because most of them did!).

First dance – Emily, the beautiful bride with her new husband.

The groom with a rare appearance by WoAi’s mum all the way from London.

There was a very touching speech from the groom, including a touching and deserved tribute to his proud mother. The bride also said a few words before emotion got the better of her. Even WoAi, ever the cynic, was holding back the tears at the sight of these two people so very much in love.

Congratulations Emily and Kelvin, you lucky bastard!

A good friend of mine has a buddy who is trying to set him up with a girl. The girl is a friend of the buddy’s Shanghainese wife. As part of the process, ths buddy sent my friend a photograph of the prospective girl to see if he was interested in meeting her. Unfortunately, my friend knows the girl. He said they went out on a date way back when he first arrived in Shanghai, 2 years ago. She told him at the time “in Shanghai, if you want to date me, you have to give me your ATM card”.

I think this statement is deliberately vague because of the “in Shanghai” part. Is she trying to say that’s the way it is when people date in Shanghai? Or does she mean that’s the way it is WITH HER in Shanghai?

I could have another poll and let the readers decide but I’m going to use polls sparingly, especially since market research and surveys is what I do for a living.

My only other comment is : isn’t it really surprising that this girl is still single and looking!

Firstly, Fashion Friday is taking a sabbatical. It’s a bit limiting to not be able to publish non-fashion related stuff on a Friday and equally, I sometimes might want to write something fashion related during the rest of the week.

As regular readers (and I hope you’re all regular readers) will know, WoAi’s been taking fitness a bit more seriously since hitting the 40 year milestone, with 3 weekly visits to California Fitness (that’s 3 times per week, not once every 3 weeks!).

I realise that not everyone has the time (or funds) to sign up for a gym membership so I’d like to make you aware that there are many other ways to burn off those calories, doing what you’d normally be doing anyway. Obvious but boring changes you can make include taking the stairs instead of the elevator, going for a walk at lunch time instead of ordering delivery pizza and so on.

I also came (no pun intended!) across this Chinese website as well as this one, which talks about the benefits of sexual activity in relation to calorie burning. It lists several activities and the corresponding number of calories you can lose:

- Removing clothes : 10 calories

- Removing clothes by force : 187 calories

- Putting on the condom : 6 calories

- Deep French kissing : 65 calories

- Blow job (giving not receiving!) : 30 calories

- 69 : 8 calories

- 69 standing up : 112 calories

- Orgasm : 100 calories

- FAKE orgasm : 315 calories

- Hearing husband coming back early while you’re in bed with another man : 1218!

As you can see, all these little activities quickly add up so don’t take short cuts by having sex with your clothes on or skipping the blow job, go through the entire list and tick them off as you go so you know how many calories you’ve burned.

It’s interesting that the extra effort needed to fake an orgasm results in burning more calories, but there’s no reason you can’t enjoy both and burn even more!

So girls, save that 5000 rmb you would have spent on gym membership to buy shoes and handbags, and just burn your calories using alternative methods I’ve listed above. If you explain to your boyfriend why you need to make love more frequently, I am sure he’ll understand because men are very understanding. But my readers are important to me, so if for some reason he’s unwilling to cooperate, I’d be happy* to stand in, but ideally, not 3 minutes before your husband is due back home – you’ll have to find another way of losing the 1218 calories!

* Offer open to female readers only, pre-op transexuals regrettably cannot be considered, post op – well you’d better be convincing enough that I can tell my friends I had no idea you were once a man!

The countdown to Beijing 2008 is in the home straight, and here are a few amazing pictures from the host city (not taken by me I hasten to add) covering some of the last minute preparations.

For those of you not interested in such mundane Olympic matters, here’s an online romance saga that has reached a climax – Aaron and Rosie are finally together and it does appear their online chemistry has spilled over into real life, and that their relationship might actually work out ….. phew!